


For As Long As It Lasts

by xuxitime



Category: TOO | Ten Oriented Orchestra (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Friendship, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oneshot, Platonic Relationships, Unrequited Love, its soft and a lil sad thats it, other members are mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-15
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:55:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25919206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xuxitime/pseuds/xuxitime
Summary: A tiny black petal escaped from his mask and slowly floated down. He followed the little thing with his eyes and felt his heart skip a beat when it finally settled on the floor. All the sound and movement around him seemed to fade away as he could only focus on the threatening black spot in front of him.Minsu knew exactly what that meant and knew even better who it was meant for.
Relationships: Kim Minsu/Jang Kyungho
Comments: 14
Kudos: 51





	For As Long As It Lasts

**Author's Note:**

> its been so long since i wrote something, but i enjoyed writing this so much. hope you enjoy and please let me know your thoughts in the comments !! <3
> 
> tw // hospitals, mentions of death, vomiting

At the start of the week Minsu's throat started hurting. Two days later he'd developed a bad cough. A couple days later yet the other members started catching on.

Of course his leader Jaeyun had supplied him with plenty of medicine and extra rest time and health tricks that probably didn't work anyway but he still followed obediently. And yet it hadn't gotten any better.

He wasn't feeling sick otherwise and didn't seem to be getting worse, but Jaeyun forcefully convinced him to go see a doctor by the end of the week, if it hadn't cleared up by then. "Just for a check up," he had said, but it never even came to that.

It happened during break time, while he was sitting on the floor of the practice room.

After yet another coughing fit he pulled down his mask to get a sip from his water bottle, when a tiny black petal escaped from his mask and slowly floated down. He followed the little thing with his eyes and felt his heart skip a beat when it finally settled on the floor. All the sound and movement around him seemed to fade away as he could only focus on the threatening black spot in front of him.

Minsu knew exactly what that meant and knew even better _who_ it was meant for.

He slowly looked up at the tall figure in the middle of the practice room, who was busy going through some steps with Jeyou.

Kyungho.

He dazily stared for a bit at the unsuspecting boy, the tall blond with the happy energy, cute smile and dance skills that could kill. Then he snatched the petal off the floor and made his way over to Jaeyun to excuse himself from the rest of the practice.

The desperate look in his eyes and his pale face were enough to convince his friend to let him go, though he knew he'd have to explain himself later. He didn't take the time to say goodbye to the others and he didn't look back once as he made his way outside, quickly walking all the way back to the dorm with his eyes on the ground, petal gripped tightly in his fist.

~

He spent the rest of his day googling and reading up on what he already knew.

Hanahaki. The disease of unrequited love. Deadly.

Throughout the afternoon a couple more lone petals escaped his throat, and he knew it would only get worse from here.

The only cure: to have your feelings of love reciprocated. Or never love again.

Minsu couldn't help but think back on all his little moments with Kyungho. The way the younger would hug him randomly and then just stay like that, sharing their warmth. The gentle touches they shared, ruffling each other's hair in the morning, leaning on each other's shoulder while watching movies, encouraging pats on the back during practice. Their shared laughter and inside jokes, joking around together at the back during vlives, distracting each other by poking and tickling during interviews. Giggles over jokes that no one else understood, cheeky knowing glances across rooms, whispers during late nights when everyone else was asleep already. Those times that had first made Minsu realize that this was more than friendship he was feeling.

But then he remembered how cuddly Kyungho was with Woonggi, or how he looked at Chan, or how he played around with Jerome.

Kyungho didn't love him. No matter how badly he wanted it to be true. And it would be the death of him.

~~~

He pretended to be asleep when the other members came home that night. He could hear their loud chatter and laughter as soon as they entered the door and he could hear Kyungho's voice the clearest through it all. Burying his head in his pillow, he tried to stop the tears from falling and desperately tried to stop himself from coughing, despite how much his throat hurt.

When the other members woke up to get ready for yet another day of practice the next morning, he stayed in bed. Miserable, ignoring any calls for his name and tucks on his bedsheets until they left him alone. Even when he heard the front door close and hear their chatter and stumbling fade away, he didn't move.

Until he felt someone sit down on the side of his bed. Jaeyun. His leader reached out and softly brushed Minsu's hair away to put a hand on his forehead.

"You don't seem ill," he said, but it didn't sound like an accusation.

Suddenly Minsu sat up and clasped his arms around Jaeyun's waist, hugging him tightly. The other put his arm around Minsu, softly patting his shoulder. They stayed like that for a bit, and Minsu couldn't have been more grateful for the comforting silence. He tried to prepare himself to explain everything to Jaeyun, when he felt the coughing fit coming up.

There were more petals now, four, five. He tried to cover his mouth, but it was too late. And when Jaeyun looked over at him, Minsu could tell that he knew. He could do nothing but sigh.

Jaeyun picked up one of the inkblack petals to look at it up close. He crunched the soft material between his fingers and squinted.

"Is it Kyungho?"

Minsu let out a whine as he sat with his back against the wall, hugging his legs against his chest. "Is it that obvious?"

"Only to me," his friend smiled. "You know you have to tell him."

"What does it matter?" Minsu pouted. "He doesn't like me."

Jaeyun stayed silent for a bit. He grabbed Minsu's hand and softly played with his fingers.

"Don't try to hide this," he said finally. His voice was stern, but kind.

Minsu could easily call his leader his best friend, and it felt good that he knew. He didn't like to keep secrets, but he just didn't know how to talk about this. There was no hope. You didn't get better from this. He knew he had to tell the others eventually, and even though Jaeyun would push him to do so, he knew the other would never speak for him.

~~~

He tried his best to keep up with practice, to act like normal, to not let anyone notice, but he was feeling weaker and weaker. When he felt a coughing fit coming up, he'd run out of the room to the toilets to let the now heap of petals out.

There was nothing pretty about it. It was painful and gross, and he cried almost every time.

Throughout all of it he tried to stay away from Kyungho. He didn't want him to notice what was going on, he didn't want him to worry, but he could tell the younger felt hurt over the way Minsu acted towards him.

He was pretty much attached to Jaeyun now, every free moment he would spend by Jaeyun's side, so he would always have someone to cover for him and comfort him. But he felt so so guilty seeing Kyungho's pout and confused expression when he ignored him or quickly moved away when the other walked in his direction.

Jaeyun had told the others that Minsu was seeing a doctor for his cough, that they weren't sure yet what it was, but they would figure it out and there was no need to be worried. He told them to act normal, to leave it be, that the two of them would take care of it. But obviously he could feel their concerned stares in his back when he ran out the room, he noticed them going easy on him during practice, holding in their 'Are you okay?'s.

It would've bothered him, not being able to do and show what he normally could, being underestimated like he had been so often, but he was just too exhausted to care.

After practice, he'd go straight to bed, sometimes not even bothering to stay for dinner. Those were his days now. Waking up, trying to get through the day until he got to sleep again, all the while trying to build up the courage to confess to Kyungho. It had been weeks now.

The single petals had turned into wet masses filling up the toilet. It wasn't the first time he had woken up in the middle of the night, trying to make his way over to the bathroom as quickly but silently as possible.

It was more vomiting than coughing now. The petals just kept coming. It horrified him, every single time again. When it was finally over he flushed the toilet, watching the black swirl go down. Soon enough he'd clog the toilet.

He leaned back with his back against the locked bathroom door. The tiles were icecold underneath him, but it was nice to feel something. Somehow the sensation grounded him. He swallowed his tears and tried to steady his breathing, before coming back out.

Pulling out his phone's flashlight, he tried to make sure he hadn't left any petal-y traces behind in the shared dormroom.

That would be the worst way for the others to find out.

"Minsu?" Kyungho's grumbily, sleep-laden voice came from his upper bunk, making Minsu freeze dead in his tracks.

"What are you doing?" He turned around to catch the other leaning on the side of his bed, chin resting on his arms. He squinted his eyes against the light of Minsu's phone.

"Kyungho-" He panicked. "I have to talk to you," Minsu blurted out, immediately regretting his words when Kyungho blinked in confusion, then nodded and started making his way down.

"Is everything okay?" He asked, looking down at Minsu, who didn't dare look at him, didn't dare answer, just grabbed his arm and pull him out of the room and stationing them both on the living room couch.

He grabbed a pillow and clenched it tightly, trying to calm his breathing before he started.

He had known this was coming, that this had to happen, but it didn't make it any easier. He hated how Kyungho made him feel, even now. Nervous, but warm inside. Tense, but comforted by his presence. It was confusing.

~

"Do you know what Hanahaki is?"

Kyungho looked at him with big questioning puppy eyes. Minsu sighed slightly.

"It's... this disease," Kyungho's eyebrows immediately furrowed, concern apparent on his face, but he stayed silent, hugging the pillow in his lap.

"When you're in love with someone but they don't love you back," his voice had grown quieter now and he couldn't look the younger in the eyes anymore. "It's deadly."

The couple seconds of silence between them were heavy, but warm.

"Do you..." Kyungho started off carefully. "Have it?"

Minsu only nodded. Talking about this with him felt like making it real, and now it was too late to run away.

"Is there a cure?"

"Well... Yes, but..." Minsu looked up at Kyungho, desperate to find something in his expression. Any hope to hold onto. "It can only be cured when that person loves you back," he said, shakily.

"Oh..." Kyungho finally pulled away his eyes and thought for a couple seconds with a slight pout on his face. "But then its okay, right?" His voice sounded hopeful, cheerful almost. "You just have to tell them! Who is it?"

Minsu's heart broke when he looked back at Kyungho's expectant bright eyes. He'd rather drown in them now than deal with what came next.

"It's you." His voice was hoarse, tiny and shaky, but Kyungho had heard him.

He was staring at him, but was clearly stuck in his own head.

"Oh."

Kyungho had always been easy to read, every emotion lay clearly in his eyes, but now even Minsu couldn't tell what was going through his head.

" _Oh._ "

The younger leaned back, shoulders slumped. Trying to find the words, his eyes became desperate, until tears started forming.

"I'm so sorry," and his voice broke halfway through, along with Minsu's heart.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered again, as the tears fell and Minsu pulled him close into a hug.

Warm and desperate and painful, and Minsu barely noticed he was crying too as Kyungho sobbed against his chest. Heavy, deep sobs with whispers of apologies in between and erratic breathing.

And despite it all, he felt relieved.

Kyungho didn't love him. But at least he was there. At least they were together now. And he knew the younger would be by his side until the very end.

~~~

Weeks later yet and Kyungho had stayed by his side every step of the way. He followed him to the bathroom when Minsu had another coughing fit, even when he told him to go away, because he didn't want him to see the gross black mass coming from his throat. He brought him his food when the older was too exhausted to join the table for dinner after practice. He helped him clean up the petals that were now floating all over the place, before the others could come in and notice them.

But there was one thing he couldn't do for Minsu: cure him. All that pain and exhaustion would ultimately be the end.

Jaeyun had forced him to see a doctor anyway. Minsu had no hope left, but he went with him. The doctor told him everything he'd already read online, told him to confess to the person he loved, ensured him there was a plan B if it didn't work out (Minsu already knew, he'd made his decision weeks ago), told him not to worry, then told him to come for a check up every week from now on.

Minsu cried when he came home. He sobbed and screamed to Jaeyun to just tell the others already, that he was giving up. His friend tried his best to soothe him and comfort him, but what was there left to say?

In the end they arranged a meeting with the whole group. Sitting on the floor, they told the story together, until all of them were in tears, hugging Minsu, because that was all they could do.

And then it only got worse. He couldn't practice anymore, he could barely get up anymore. Just breathing was exhausting.

The dorm was covered in petals now. Threatening, black reminders everywhere you went, like decorations at a funeral.

He lost track of how many checkups he'd had, when the doctor told him he would have to be taken in. They'd be able to monitor him better if he just stayed at the hospital.

He would get only a day to pack his things and say goodbye.

Jaeyun drove him home in silence, with his hand on Minsu's knee throughout the entire drive. To the home that soon wouldn't be his home anymore. He barely had any tears left when he hugged his members goodbye the next morning.

The hospital room was small and cold, no matter how many stuffed animals his friends got for him. At least there was a tv on the wall and the bed sheets were soft enough to sink in.

Not the worst place to die, he figured.

~~~

There's one other way, the doctor had said and since then it had been echoing in his mind constantly.

Minsu thought he had made up his mind ages ago, when he decided he'd rather die than give up on love altogether. But the closer he came to the end, the more he started doubting.

He'd been carefully weighing the pros and cons of his last option, yet hadn't come any other closer to a decision.

"There's one other way..."

"Hmm?" Kyungho's sleepy voice sounded from the covers next to him, almost blurring together with the quiet chatter of the drama they were watching. The younger was slumped against his shoulder, his arm lazily draped around Minsu's waist. He almost seemed small like this, drowning in the white covers of the hospital bed, tucked in Minsu's arms.

"There's another cure, well, sort of."

Kyungho pulled his eyes away from the tv screen now and pushed himself up to look at Minsu, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

"They can get the flower out with a surgery, but..." He saw the glisten in Kyungho's eyes grow brighter. "But I would forget about you."

For a split second he could see the hurt on his friend's face, before the other sat up straight and looked at him with a stern face. "You have to do it."

Minsu stayed quiet. A sad smile crossed his face looking at Kyungho's passion. He himself barely had the strength to fight anymore.

"Why not?!" The younger threw up his arms in an exasperated fashion that made Minsu giggle.

"What, you think you're just gonna fall in love with me all over again?" Minsu scoffed at his smug expresssion.

Kyungho pouted and he barely had the heart to tell him about the other side effect. Inability to experience romantic love. The doctor had said it so seriously, with such expensive words, but Minsu understood immediately: You'll never be able to feel like this again.

The idea was terrifying to him. He had never blamed Kyungho, not once, not even in his darkest moments. He loved him too much, despite it all. That love was the only thing that still gave him strength, even though it wasn't reciprocated. But he knew Kyungho blamed himself.

"No... I wouldn't be able to love you. Or anyone else, for that matter," he carefully glanced at Kyungho's expression.

"Romantically, you mean?" Minsu nodded while Kyungho leaned back on his arms.

"Well that's not too bad, right? I've never been in love either and looking at you, I don't think I'm missing much." Minsu almost kicked him off the bed, but couldn't stop himself from laughing. He was grateful for Kyungho's cheerfulness. All his other visitors just looked at him with sad eyes then started talking about the weather with quiet voices.

"But don't you want to fall in love?"

Kyungho shrugged. "I've never even had crushes."

In the background the drama's lead was begging the girl to take him back, offering her a bouquet roses that was bigger than his own head. Kyungho snickered and turned back around to crush Minsu in a bear hug.

"Love is overrated," he murmered against his chest. Minsu looked at the black petals that were decorating the floor all around his bed. "And flowers are the worst gift," he laughed, but when Kyungho fell back asleep on his chest in that position and lay there for hours more, his heart ached.

~

"Just take the surgery," was the last thing Kyungho told him before leaving for the day. "We can make new memories." He left without leaving Minsu time to answer.

And so he decided. He didn't want Kyungho to blame himself for his death too.  
  
  


~~~~  
  
  


When Minsu woke up he was alone in a hospital bed, a brightly colored brochure laying on the table beside him.

He had never felt so disoriented before. He remembered the doctor warning him about this, telling him he wouldn't remember most of his time in the hospital because _that_ person had been with him pretty much constantly. He remembered being rolled into the surgery room and being put under. And that was it, now he could never fall in love again. And he didn't even know who he did it for.

There were more gaps than memories in his brain now. He must have spent a lot of time with this person for him to forget so much, and yet they still didn't love him back. It almost made him bitter.

He picked up the brochure. The lady on the front was smiling a bit too happily for his taste. He didn't exactly feel happy right now, he didn't even get the luxury of feeling relieved.

The first couple pages were obvious stuff, things the doctor had told him before the procedure too, the few clear moments in his memory amidst what seemed like years of vagueness.

Minsu couldn't help but wonder about the person he had fallen in love with. It was a strange sensation to not be able to remember a single thing about them. Of course he wouldn't be able to fall in love now, the brochure made that very clear on the very first page, but what if he didn't even like them now? They say love makes blind and Minsu couldn't help but doubt his own taste in lovers. He giggled. What if he had almost died over some asshole?

He flipped through the brochure to the header that said 'What Now?'. The carefully worded paragraph said something about letting the doctor know when he was ready to meet any family or friends that could be waiting.

Minsu lay back down, lay the brochure down on his chest and took a deep breath. He knew exactly who was waiting there and he needed more time. The more he thought about it the clearer the boundaries between what he knew and what he didn't became.

Ten Oriented Orchestra. And yet he could only remember nine.

The gap in his memory would be waiting for him behind that door. Somehow another person fit into that group of people he was ready to call his family and had always been a part of it.

And he couldn't even imagine what kind of person that could be.

Suddenly he heard a knock on the door. Apparently the brochure wasn't fully accurate after all.

The door creaked open and a tired looking Jaeyun stuck his head in. Minsu waved at him while Jaeyun quietly closed the door behind him.

"The doctor told me not to come yet, but I figured-"

"Yeah, no," Minsu blurted. "I'm glad you're here."

Jaeyun sat down on the bed next to him and Minsu immediately pulled him toward himself into a deep hug. It was nice to feel something solid and secure now that his whole world was a big mess.

"How are you feeling?" Jaeyun asked, while patting his friend's arm.

"Weird." They both laughed. As if laughing would make everything normal again.

"I don't know if I want to meet him."

Jaeyun stayed silent.

"I mean, I know I have to, but-" Minsu sighed and buried his head into the other's neck.

"He's waiting outside, but I can tell him to go home for now," Jaeyun offered simply.

"No, it's okay. Just- Let's just wait a little longer."

Jaeyun nodded. "Otherwise the doctor might get mad," he joked. They sat there hugging for a bit, silently ensuring each other everything was okay.

After Jaeyun left, the rest of the members came in to visit in small groups. They all tried their best to cheer Minsu up, pretended they weren't as tired as they were, laughed a little too hard at jokes that weren't that funny, hugging and touching him a bit too often.

It was comforting in a strange kind of way, but it didn't stop Minsu from getting worried.

After everyone had come and left, the door opened one more time. Jaeyun stepped in, with a knowing look, and then the boy behind him.

He was tall and muscular, but almost drowned in his soft, oversized hoodie. His blond hair was messy, he had bags under his eyes and his cheeks were puffy.

That was him.

He barely took a couple steps into the room before he stopped, hesitating. His hands were fidgety and his eyes were big, shifting nervously between Jaeyun an Minsu.

_That was him._

He stood there, looking like a lost puppy, and Minsu's heart immediately melted.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
